Why I Would Be The Greatest President Of All Time

This election really got me fired up.

We waste so much time and money on political campaigns which focus on mud-slinging and smack-talking, rather than focussing on the real problems and issues facing America today. And no, I’m not talking about gay rights, or women’s rights, or legalizing weed, or reforming health care. The answer to those problems are simple. I’m talking about the actual problems that everyone seems to be ignoring, and pretending don’t exist. Problems that effect all of us. Not just liberals, not just republicans, not just moderates… all of us.

Well this had me thinking. I have so many solutions to fix this country, I should just run for president.

So madame chairwoman, delegates, and the twelve people who read my blog, I accept your nomination for 2016 President of the United States. I am not afraid to confront the real problems, but instead will bring them to the fore front. Not only will I confront these unspoken real world issues, but I will also provide meticulous, fool-proof plans to solve every single one.


1. Take Care of the Hipster Problem. 

Yes, we all have all seen the warning signs: Winter hats in July, ironic T-Shirts with Nietzsche quotes, colored skinny jean capri pants, eye glasses without prescription lenses, sexually-ambiguous androgynous haircuts. I checked the dictionary, and there’s no existing actual definition for ‘hipster,’ probably because definitions are simply too mainstream. These useless, sardonic, socially out-of-tune, wanna-be-hippies are rapidly increasing in number everyday. “Oh, you got turned down from another job? No, I’m sure it had nothing to do with your unkempt ponytail, your sleeve tattoo, your lack of ambition, or the fact that you went to your job interview dressed in a short sleeve button up flannel shirt and flip flops. You wanna know what it probably is? It’s the rest of the world that’s fucked up! You’re not the problem. They’re the problem. You should let everyone know, starting with the next person you see.” Hipsters know more about music than you, more about clothing than you, more about economics than you, and more about philosophy than you. They are a greasy skidmark in society’s whitey tighties, and need to go before their anti-mainstream ideologies go mainstream and it becomes too late.

My solution: Ship them all to China. Tell them all that they’ve won free tickets to see Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros perform in Hangzhou. Because the only things certain in life are death, taxes, and the hipster inability to turn down free crappy indie-folk concert tickets. Once they get to China, we simply leave them there. Good luck with your liberal arts degree! Go tell those Chinese why they “shouldn’t think too much, and to slow down because there’s more to life than working hard.” Have fun with that… see what happens.

2. Take Care of the Vegan/Vegetarian problem.

For whatever reason, many members of the public have apparently been brainwashed into believing that not eating meat is a good decision. Well you know what’s an even better decision? Eating meat. If we were meant to be at the bottom of the food chain, well then we would eat plants and nuts and berries. But we’re not at the bottom of the food chain. We’re at the top. We’re the ones that are supposed to eat the animals that eat the nuts and berries and plants. Didn’t you ever see The Lion King? You must’ve slept through the circle of life part, huh? And vegans… you’re the strangest of the lot. No meat or dairy? Did you get hit on the head? Normally, I would say let these crazies eat spinach and dirt to their hearts content, but the moment that their wacky diet effects the sane population is where we start having issues. Everywhere you look there are vegetarian options and vegan alternatives. It started out as a small alternative to appease the small quantity of plant lovers, but it is growing. At U of Rochester, half of the food choices offered in the cafeteria are vegan or vegetarian. Only in America would it make sense to curry favor with a severe minority. Vegans, have you never tasted steak before? Bacon!? That’s gotta be it, right? It’s the only reasonable explanation. You’ve never tasted the greatness of the other side. You have to be tired of molding tofu into random shape and pretending that it’s food you wish you were actually eating. I’m not one to exaggerate, but a diet without meat is exactly what I’d imagine a dance party is like without music.

My solution: Force every vegetarian/vegan to eat bacon at breakfast, chicken at lunch, and steak at dinner for one week. Zero chance they’ll ever go back to eating alfalfa sprouts in ginger soy broth again.

3. Take care of the stupid people problem.

People are getting dumber and dumber. We’re living in a world dominated by screens which have diminished our desire to read actual books lacking wizards or vampires. Thnx 2 IM n texting no1 nose how 2 spell oar how 2 right WoRtH a DaM lolz. All of our knowledge and information comes directly from Google or Wikipedia, so cognitive memory is at an all time low. Attention spans are shot. People can name the inventor of Facebook, but can’t name who invented pasteurization. The number of people out there who can’t answer basic questions like how many pints are in a quart without the help of an iPhone is laughable.

My Plan: Dump Adderall into the water supply. College student’s figured out the magical powers of adderall years ago. It’s time to share the secret with the world. Side effects of this magic pill include: Making learning fun, a brain that may or may not fire on all cylinders, an unprecedented heightening of attention, energy and awareness, and an immediate increase in IQ by at least 200%. Did you not see the movie Limitless? Adderall made Bradley Cooper into a super human. Well imagine 300 million Bradley Coopers walking around. Not only would Adderall solve the stupid people problem, but it would take care of every other socioeconomic problem as well. Within 2 weeks time everyone would be riding on hover boards, and hanging out with the robot butlers that they built themselves.

4. Take care of the sensitivity problem.

Political correctness is spinning out of control. A MAJOR problem in this country. Classic books get banned from schools. New words are added to the “not allowed to say” list everyday. Teacher’s can’t reprimand their students. Parent’s can’t spank their kids. Schools are forced to change or remove indian-related mascots.  Businesses can’t say Merry Christmas. School’s can’t pledge an allegiance “under God.” People can sue McDonald’s for burning themselves with hot coffee that didn’t advertise the dangers of hot coffee. Writers are punished for using gender-insensitive words – some schools are even being forced to drop the term ‘freshman!’ People are too concerned and obsessed with what others are saying and how they say it. They have become overly afraid of offending absolutely everyone to a fault. Nobody says what they think anymore, but instead say what they think others want to hear, or what they think they’re supposed to say. Speaking your mind has become taboo and a thing of the past in our country and frankly it’s frightening. Obviously dystopian stories like 1984, The Giver, Brave New World, and Fahrenheit 451 are all hyperbolic examples, but is it really that difficult to imagine that these are the directions we might be headed? After all, isn’t freedom of speech and freedom of expression what being American is all about? Obviously every person should have the right to gender, racial, and social equality, but why do we feel we must sacrifice so much freedom of communication in order to get there? Maybe it’s time we stopped placating absolutely everyone, and stop blowing rainbows up all of our collective asses. We are now so used to change happening every time we complain about our problems – whether it be to the government, on social media, or wherever –  that we forget how to stand up for ourselves without any outside assistance. Thick skin is ancient history. No other country in the world is as sensitive as we are. None. Well, maybe France.

My Solution: I’ve got nothing. We pretty much fucked ourselves here.

4. Enact a law which places a weight limit on who can purchase yoga pants/skinny jeans/tight fitting/revealing clothes.

Know your role. Know your rolls. Dress accordingly. Because nobody wants to see this:

My Solution: Mandatory scales in the floor at the checkout counters of all clothing stores. I’m sure this will upset some people. This only proves the point about the sensitivity problem. You can’t call anyone fat anymore. You might hurt their feelings. It’s mean. It’s rude. This is exactly why we are the fattest country in the world.

I look forward to representing you all. The choice is obvious. Vote Bro in 2016.

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